Selasa, Julai 21, 2009

keep on moving

this coming october, it will be exactly 27 years i have been living on this very planet earth.

and i feel like, i have lost interest in almost everything. the flame of passion is flickering, burning really slowly, waiting for a gust of wind to blow it off, if not faded out itself. i stared into my own eyes through the mirror, i can't even find a light in them.

for 27 years i've lived, i tried hard to be the best that i can be (read: work), which all ended up with many terrible mistakes, that seems to repeat itself, eventhough i have been extra cautious, extra alert, extra everything that i pushed myself too hard to the level of distressness, and still, the mistakes are still there. since i was a child, i have been pushed to achieve the level of perfection in everything i do, be it house chores, studies or anything. upon reaching that level, i suffered severe nervousness, which i was so afraid that i failed, and of course, the failure would always led to punishment, harsh words, or any punishing acts that would cause humiliation, feeling so worthless, helpless and stupid, and it was so embarrassing as almost all these acts were witnessed by other siblings, and sometimes relatives. though i am almost a perfectionist (yes, though i still make mistakes, but i do try hard) myself, perfections really scares me. even in my job, i do have these strains, and sometimes cause hallucinations. my mental condition is not strong enough to endure all these distressness, perfections have been my life-long trauma.

"i suck at everything i am trying to do, and everyperson i am trying to be."

yes, i do have some really flaming experiences, i have to say, they were when i was studying graphic design in a local university. i did suck at my study but i did had a great time. i can say that i was very enthusiastic that time.

but now, the flame of enthusiast, passion is fading out, as i learned that, i keep making mistakes though i have been very, very careful in every job and task that was assigned to me. i know somehow, that i will shine brightly in some fields, but i don't have any idea yet of what field it is. i will have to explore.

reaching the age of 27, i almost don't even know who i am. who, or what myself actually is. i see myself as a person with too many personalities. i can't even figure out who i actually am, because i absorb any personalities of other individuals that are close to me, who give the feeling of comfort to me and those who inspired me that i think can fit in myself, in an attempt of creating my own. i can't even describe what my abilities and skills are.

but as i write this entry, i realize that, i have nothing - nothing to moan about. it is just a conflict, a war; a life-long war that i always have within me. a war that i have always fight, a war that i never lose. a war that always makes me believe that i have psychology disorders, that makes me believe that i am a pathetic loser when i know, i always know i am not. a war that makes me feel like running away from this life. a war that leaves me in confusion, not knowing what i want and when i want it. it is just not my time to shine yet. it is just that i am scared. too scared to jump over the other promising "land". too scared to climb on the highest mountain, having too much empathy on the ones that i would have to leave behind, feeling guilty to leave, and face the new, strange world outside my shell. but, i must, i have to do it.

i just need the guts.

3 ulasan:

  1. memang menyayat hati setiap ibu mengandung entry ni...huwaaaaaaaaaa....

  2. jgn putus asa..jgn cpt mengalah..aku paham suara2 jahat yg mengutuk dlm kepala otak ko tu. Aku penah melaluinya..smp skang still ada suara2 aku cuba melawannya..