Rabu, Mei 10, 2017

Struggle

It's been almost nine years. And I've been battling anxiety throughout the years. At first, I thought it was "normal" due to my nature of work until I found out I became irritated, depressed and feel like killing everybody who pissed me. I used to cry out of the blue every time I'm alone; be it when I'm driving or at the mall shopping. Sometimes I cry when there are people around me, but, I fought my tears back. I jumped from one company to another in an effort to kill the anxiety which I thought was caused by being stuck in the same stressful work environment.

So I landed a job in publishing company.

And I thought the anxiety died there. It didn't. The work nature at this company was worse
and for the first time in my life, I had to take anti-stress pills. Although the doctor prescribed only two pills, but, still. Long story short, I quit.

I went unemployed for a year, working at my sister's house as her help while figuring out what to do with my life. And then I found my dream job. I became a translator for TV programs. I was happy, although I still have those panic attacks but they were only work related.

Until this year. First two months into 2017 was the happiest I'd ever been. I don't remember the last time I hum or sing while walking around and do stuff. I was so confident that my anxiety had died. And I was happy. Came March, and the anxiety came marching in. More like barging in, I'd say.
My low blood sugar made things worst. I had anxiety attacks almost on a daily basis. My heart palpitated one night that I had to rush to the clinic at 2 am just to make sure that I wasn't going to die of a heart attack. Long story short, after multiple visits to various clinics, I finally agreed to go see a psychiatry.

I have people who are supportive and I'm grateful for that. I don't know if imaginary friends count but, hey, at least I have someone to talk to. But, there are friends who I thought would be the most understanding of my condition seem to be brushing me off. Like, they don't understand how can a person get panic attacks without anything triggering it. Hello, IT'S A DISORDER! They don't come on appointments, they just barging in like those rude, bad mannered friends crashing your couch uninvited. And there's nothing you can do to stop them.

It's really disappointing you know, when that one person you've been looking up to (read: the guy you have a crush on) also does the same. Saying that my stories of my anxiety/panic attacks are nothing short of corny. And I was embarrassed. Like, what I am now, an attention seeker? I don't think so.
This anxiety stuff made me shut myself down from other people. How does that make me an attention seeker? Wait, am I overthinking it now?

All I'm feeling now is like I'm chained to something unseen that stopped me from reaching out to people and living my life. Yes, anxiety made me a careful and compassionate person but trapped. And you feel lonely because you feel like people are pushing you away because of your mental illness.
And you feel lonely because you think nobody wants you to disturb them anymore when you really need to talk to someone. It's like hanging from a vine where it can rupture anytime and you'll fall below and die, while the leaves and the fruits are just looking at you while you struggle to stay alive and eventually die.

Ahad, April 30, 2017

Xanax

Aku pun
tak tahulah.

Selama ni

aku cintakan kau

atau sekadar anxiety aku.

Hati aku terasa kabur
mungkin Xanax buat aku waras

Bukan sekadar daripada anxiety

tapi juga daripada perasaan terhadap kau.


Sial, dia padam semua sekali.

Selasa, Februari 28, 2017

Hari Ahad

Kami berpakat
mahu berjumpa.

Aku mahu mengetahui kisahnya
yang malas dia ceritakan secara teks.

Kami berjumpa
barang dua jam.

Aku menemuinya
dengan perasaan cinta
yang telah luput.

Berbual tanpa debaran cinta

Bertentang mata tanpa debaran cinta

Kami berpisah
dan ucapkan selamat tinggal.

Aku ucapkan tahniah pada diri
kerana perasaanku telah pergi.

Tapi, babi.

Namanya ku sebut-sebut kembali.

Sabtu, September 03, 2016

Mati

Hari ini
Aku mengenang
Kawan-kawan
Yang telah pergi

Shuen Ling

Syahril

Nick

Rasfan

Kemudian,
Aku teringat dia

Dia yang hidup lagi

Tapi seakan telah mati.

Selasa, Jun 07, 2016

Hospital

It feels like you're dead. 
And you're alone. In your grave.

The nurses and the doctors 
are like those two angels
Who ask what you've done 
and bring you bad news

Again and again.
Leaving you hoping and counting on the days
To the day you can finally leave.

You have people around you
Just like in the graveyard.
But you're alone. They're alone.
And they have visitors coming in and out.
Praying for them. Spending time with them.
And you're alone.

Your face lights up 
When you see someone familiar comes
Praying for you. Spending time with you.
Talking to you.

But that's only for a short while 

As they leave, you wilt in your smile 
They say goodbye. You say thank you.

Your heart dims, for you know
You're left alone again.
With the angels,
with your fellow dead neighbours.

And that must've been how the dead feels
Alone in their grave
Without the thoughts
From the people
They thought they cared.

(Written during the time I was warded for dengue)

Sabtu, Mei 14, 2016

Asshole

Malam ini, seperti biasa,
aku bekerja.

Dan aku berharap kau akan telefon


         Paling tidak, chat.



                       Dekat Whatsapp.




                  Atau FB,


                                   paling tidak.



             AKU RINDU KAU.



                      Tahu tak?


                                         Asshole.

Selasa, Jun 17, 2014

Mimpi Sepi

Hari ini aku merasa sunyi
Yang benar, sejak lewat beberapa hari
Tapi hari ini, sepi itu kian menusuk
Kian merenggut setiap nadi uratku

Sepi kenapa?

Rindukan dia?
Dia yang tak peduli?
Dia yang tak tahu malah tak mengerti
Rasa yang terbina dalam jiwa?

Mengapa?

Mengapa tegar kau memegang erat tangannya?
Mengapa tegar kau genggam kuat jemarinya
Sedang kau sendiri tak pasti
Apakah dia akan membalas genggaman
Jemarimu itu?

Oh, tak pasti. Kerana tak pasti.

Kerana itu kau teguh berharap
Itu yang terjadi
Dia menggenggam jemarimu semula
Malah dengan kedua belah tangannya?

Di suatu hari nanti?

Yang tak pasti itu mimpi
Tapi yang pasti itu....
Ah, aku sendiri kaget 
Gusar, bimbang dibunuh realiti yang pasti
Maka itu, aku terus bermimpi.