Suicidal Thought

So, I finally signed a contract as freelancer. I liked how light it made me feel, finally doing the thing that I'm so afraid of. But, I've been putting it off for almost a week and it kept bugging me, making me more and more afraid. Now it's done, I'm relieved. Good for me.

Let's talk about suicidal thought. Shall we? Or we shan't?

Anyway, there are days that I feel like doing myself in. It's been years, before and after I sought medical help. I really don't know how I managed to stay alive until this day. I know, suicidal thought sounds so dramatic and attention seeking. It's not.

Like you may have heard, or read, it's just us trying to make it stop. The anxiety. The depression. All the feelings that come with them. Waking up and feeling useless, helpless, guilty, and carrying the weight all day long, every single day. Sometimes you don't have anyone to talk to, to ease the burden, because you don't want to bore somebody with the same shit every single time. Thank God for blogs, journals and etc., although I know nobody really reads it. My blog, especially. But it's okay.

You know what keeps me going (alive)? The anticipation of things will be better again. Wait, is anticipation the right word? Well, I guess. Maybe not accurate, but okay. I keep looking forward to the day my anxiety and depression finally going away. To being genuinely happy again without a dash of guilt. To no longer feeling afraid. Well, I guess it's more to the reason that death by suicide is not covered by insurance. Yeah. But, hey, I'm still waiting and hoping for that day to come. Since the past years, since after I got the treatment. It has yet to come, but there is a period where I thought it did. False. I still think about ending my life. You know, by the least painful way. "Accidental" overdose, maybe.

I'm getting tired of it, but I'm still hoping.

Good night.