tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52443443423784293852024-03-13T11:45:30.961+08:00Hidup dalam Monocerita repek2 hari2.Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.comBlogger371125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-3092785292654726302022-04-21T01:29:00.001+08:002022-04-21T01:29:52.358+08:00you could've calledYou met with a mutual friend<div>Who I haven't met for a long time</div><div>And you asked her about me</div><div><br></div><div>You know what?</div><div><br></div><div>You could've called</div>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-35860604701907552612022-01-02T21:54:00.001+08:002022-01-02T22:08:49.332+08:00untitledI dreamt of you last night.<div><br></div><div>You were so bubbly, we were so intimate.</div><div><br></div><div>I held your hands, asking what you've been up to.</div><div><br></div><div>You didn't pull your hands away, as you answered my questions.</div><div><br></div><div>I wish we could be that way</div><div><br></div><div>In this real life, too.</div>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-66386609778997840502021-01-20T01:27:00.001+08:002021-01-20T01:27:38.784+08:00Building Up and Crumbling DownI've submitted all of my assignments. Yes, what a relief. Now I should happily wait for my payment to be wired in to my bank account. But no, every now and then there will be revisions that I should make and re-submit. This alone makes me want to hide into the end of the world but the problem is the world has no end. It's a loop of madness that I can't escape from. It's just scary, you know? To have finished your work, have it checked and then sent back to you for your revision and approval. I mean, don't do that, please. Once I've submitted my task, I wouldn't want to see it again, let alone go through it again.<div><br></div><div>Now I'm also afraid of e-mail notifications. </div><div><br></div><div>It's good that I have my freelance job to help me get by, and to feel like I'm rebuilding my life back, but at the same time I feel like I'm demolishing it on the other side. Like rebuilding while demolishing it all at the same time.</div><div><br></div><div>Argh, I really wish I have someone who I can talk to, and listen without feeling like they want to kick me to the end of the world where I can't come back to bother them again, but the world has no end, and it's a loop of madness. </div>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-19815085674431346682020-11-25T23:23:00.000+08:002020-11-25T23:23:22.524+08:00Suicidal Thought<p>So, I finally signed a contract as freelancer. I liked how light it made me feel, finally doing the thing that I'm so afraid of. But, I've been putting it off for almost a week and it kept bugging me, making me more and more afraid. Now it's done, I'm relieved. Good for me.</p><p>Let's talk about suicidal thought. Shall we? Or we shan't?</p><p>Anyway, there are days that I feel like doing myself in. It's been years, before and after I sought medical help. I really don't know how I managed to stay alive until this day. I know, suicidal thought sounds so dramatic and attention seeking. It's not.</p><p>Like you may have heard, or read, it's just us trying to make it stop. The anxiety. The depression. All the feelings that come with them. Waking up and feeling useless, helpless, guilty, and carrying the weight all day long, every single day. Sometimes you don't have anyone to talk to, to ease the burden, because you don't want to bore somebody with the same shit every single time. Thank God for blogs, journals and etc., although I know nobody really reads it. My blog, especially. But it's okay.</p><p>You know what keeps me going (alive)? The anticipation of things will be better again. Wait, is anticipation the right word? Well, I guess. Maybe not accurate, but okay. I keep looking forward to the day my anxiety and depression finally going away. To being genuinely happy again without a dash of guilt. To no longer feeling afraid. Well, I guess it's more to the reason that death by suicide is not covered by insurance. Yeah. But, hey, I'm still waiting and hoping for that day to come. Since the past years, since after I got the treatment. It has yet to come, but there is a period where I thought it did. False. I still think about ending my life. You know, by the least painful way. "Accidental" overdose, maybe.</p><p>I'm getting tired of it, but I'm still hoping.</p><p>Good night.</p><p><br /></p>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-50402091298940728972020-11-24T01:28:00.004+08:002021-01-20T14:18:56.640+08:00Anxiety Strikes Again!<p> Hi, all.</p><p>Okay, first of all, I've been retrenched from my job of seven years as a subtitler at a local huge TV station. No, the other one. Right now, I'm about four months into unemployment. Well, everything was good. I kinda relieved about being released from the company, from the job (as I know there are a lot of freelance jobs I can fall back on). I enjoyed doing freelance jobs until lately, I don't know if it's the uncertainty of my future, or because I'm jobless and I have commitments to fulfil. All I know is that my anxiety and depression slowly creeping in, finding their way back into my brain and mess with everything. I think they have made themselves at home now, because for the past month I've been dreading to see new e-mails coming in. Or phone calls. Even text messages make me jump now.</p><p>I know it's funny. I've been looking for freelance jobs, because I don't think I can work in an office anymore, given the environment, the ambience, the politics, the meetings, all the live interactions with people in general (plus the traffic congestion I'll have to go through every morning and evening, even night). It's painful. I know I want replies, but I'm too scared to see if there IS any reply. It's getting hard since I can't go out to release all the built-up tension from the anxiety, due to the MCO. I can't even go to the hospital (actually scared to go to) because the COVID-19 cases are on the rise. I don't want to catch anything while trying to ease my mental issues.</p><p>This has resulted in me putting off signing things for work, although the work has been done. Signing stuff is always so dreadful. It feels like I'm signing up for a hellish life even though that's not the case. At all. I don't interact with the officer for my SOCSO's EIS. You know, that insurance thing for laid-off workers. I never contacted him to apply for the second relief. I don't care. I still have enough money (hopefully) until I can find a steady freelance job.</p><p>I love being a freelancer. The joy of working from home, or from anywhere you want (if travelling is allowed again), the uncertainty, the out-of-work period, the hit-or-miss income. I just don't want to sign anything. Just give me the job, I'll do it. I'll complete it on time, just don't ask me to sign anything. Forget about contract. But it doesn't work that way.</p><p>I wonder if there is any job that isn't anxiety-inducing. Is there?</p><p>Third month into unemployment, I started to work-out. You know, shed the fat a little, because I was expanding like nobody's business. I like it, the post-workout feel. The sweats dripping from all over your body, how your cheeks turn red from all the workout (quoting Emma Watson). I don't know why I stopped doing it. Not much progress but I like how I look now. I feel lighter, but my heart feels heavier. I hope this is just a hormonal thing.</p><p>When things are fine again, I'm planning to take up tap dancing. I've found a studio in KL, but I want to look for a studio nearer to where I live. And finally learn to play the violin or the piano. Maybe this will give me the peace of mind that I need so much. To have control of my life again. I'm 38, for God's sake. I should have control of my life.</p><p>You know what I need so much right now?</p><p>A hug. Tight and warm.</p><p>Good night.</p>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-11476691841737177652019-01-04T01:43:00.000+08:002019-01-04T01:43:55.317+08:00Jaga DiriSemalam aku tak boleh lelap<br />
Aku teringatkan kau<br />
Laju kau berlari-lari<br />
Dalam ingatan aku.<br />
<br />
Kemudian hati aku disentap<br />
Rasa hiba yang mendera<br />
<br />
<i>"Why can't you be mine?" </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Dengan air mata, aku memohon<br />
Agar kau selamat sejahtera<br />
<br />
Biar pun bukan untuk aku<br />
Tapi aku mahu kau<br />
Sentiasa ada<br />
Biar aku pergi dulu pun tak apa<br />
<br />
Lalu dengan air mata<br />
Aku lepaskan kau pergi<br />
<br />
Jaga diri<br />
Dan aku akan<br />
Menjaga kau dari siniJay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-43601714548326406402018-10-30T13:30:00.000+08:002018-10-30T13:30:10.366+08:00PengakuanLalu, aku pun meluahkan<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Kepadanya. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Rasa hatiku, secara kasual</div>
<div>
Agar dia tahu.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Aku bersedia menerima caci makinya. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tapi, itu tak berlaku sama sekali. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Dia malah memberikan </div>
<div>
senyuman yang manis, </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
malah termanis yang pernah </div>
<div>
aku lihat terukir dari bibirnya</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Dan membuatkan aku lebih jatuh cinta. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>Damn</i>. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-4041743667085022452018-09-25T01:44:00.001+08:002018-09-25T01:44:57.045+08:00Leon LaiDear Leon Lai,<br />
my lifetime crush,<br />
<br />
Sorry, I 💗 you,<br />
<br />
But....<br />
<br />
Jin sheng wu hui!<br />
<br />
💏<br />
<br />Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-79976397423135827242018-09-18T00:29:00.001+08:002018-09-18T00:31:50.876+08:00Mister EMalam ini aku periksa lagi Memories di Facebook. Bukanlah tujuan aku untuk mengimbau kenangan sangat, tapi aku cuma mahu melihat pos-pos lama yang kau komen, yang mana kita saling berkomunikasi waktu itu, ketika kita masih saling bercakap.<br />
<br />
Aku akan senyum, aku akan rasa sayu.<br />
Aku rindu kau. Aku rindu mata kau, kening kau, hidung kau, gigi kau, setiap inci wajah kau.<br />
<br />
Aku lagi rindu mendengar suara kau.<br />
<br />
Sampai sekarang aku masih perah otak, apa punca kita berhenti berbual? Aku masih belum bertemu seseorang yang serba-serbi mengatasi kau, dan kau masih penting bagi aku.<br />
<br />
Ya, walaupun kita tak bercakap lagi.<br />
<br />
Aku ingin bercerita macam-macam dengan kau.<br />
<br />
Ya, walaupun lidah aku kelu saat kita berdepan.<br />
<br />
Hari-hari aku memanjatkan doa kepada Sang Pencipta kita berdua, namun masih belum ada jawapan.<br />
<br />
Aku inginkan jawapannya sekarang. Aku sudah tak mahu berteka-teki, membaca petunjuk, menanti pembayang. Aku ini bebal, aku perlu ditunjuki depan-depan, jelas-jelas.<br />
<br />
Kau macam mana?<br />
<br />
Rasa yang sama?<br />
<br />
Tunggu aku, ya?Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-44314802042085454052017-05-10T18:57:00.000+08:002017-05-10T18:57:05.028+08:00StruggleIt's been almost nine years. And I've been battling anxiety throughout the years. At first, I thought it was "normal" due to my nature of work until I found out I became irritated, depressed and feel like killing everybody who pissed me. I used to cry out of the blue every time I'm alone; be it when I'm driving or at the mall shopping. Sometimes I cry when there are people around me, but, I fought my tears back. I jumped from one company to another in an effort to kill the anxiety which I thought was caused by being stuck in the same stressful work environment.<br />
<br />
So I landed a job in publishing company.<br />
<br />
And I thought the anxiety died there. It didn't. The work nature at this company was worse<br />
and for the first time in my life, I had to take anti-stress pills. Although the doctor prescribed only two pills, but, still. Long story short, I quit.<br />
<br />
I went unemployed for a year, working at my sister's house as her help while figuring out what to do with my life. And then I found my dream job. I became a translator for TV programs. I was happy, although I still have those panic attacks but they were only work related.<br />
<br />
Until this year. First two months into 2017 was the happiest I'd ever been. I don't remember the last time I hum or sing while walking around and do stuff. I was so confident that my anxiety had died. And I was happy. Came March, and the anxiety came marching in. More like barging in, I'd say.<br />
My low blood sugar made things worst. I had anxiety attacks almost on a daily basis. My heart palpitated one night that I had to rush to the clinic at 2 am just to make sure that I wasn't going to die of a heart attack. Long story short, after multiple visits to various clinics, I finally agreed to go see a psychiatry.<br />
<br />
I have people who are supportive and I'm grateful for that. I don't know if imaginary friends count but, hey, at least I have someone to talk to. But, there are friends who I thought would be the most understanding of my condition seem to be brushing me off. Like, they don't understand how can a person get panic attacks without anything triggering it. Hello, IT'S A DISORDER! They don't come on appointments, they just barging in like those rude, bad mannered friends crashing your couch uninvited. And there's nothing you can do to stop them.<br />
<br />
It's really disappointing you know, when that one person you've been looking up to (read: the guy you have a crush on) also does the same. Saying that my stories of my anxiety/panic attacks are nothing short of corny. And I was embarrassed. Like, what I am now, an attention seeker? I don't think so.<br />
This anxiety stuff made me shut myself down from other people. How does that make me an attention seeker? Wait, am I overthinking it now?<br />
<br />
All I'm feeling now is like I'm chained to something unseen that stopped me from reaching out to people and living my life. Yes, anxiety made me a careful and compassionate person but trapped. And you feel lonely because you feel like people are pushing you away because of your mental illness.<br />
And you feel lonely because you think nobody wants you to disturb them anymore when you really need to talk to someone. It's like hanging from a vine where it can rupture anytime and you'll fall below and die, while the leaves and the fruits are just looking at you while you struggle to stay alive and eventually die.Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-54813740306706189812017-04-30T22:20:00.001+08:002017-04-30T22:21:16.194+08:00XanaxAku pun<br />
tak tahulah.<br />
<br />
Selama ni<br />
<br />
aku cintakan kau<br />
<br />
atau sekadar<i> anxiety </i>aku.<br />
<br />
Hati aku terasa kabur<br />
mungkin <i>Xanax</i> buat aku waras<br />
<br />
Bukan sekadar daripada <i>anxiety</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
tapi juga daripada perasaan terhadap kau.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Sial, dia padam semua sekali.</i>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-19796397111456950842017-02-28T23:19:00.000+08:002017-02-28T23:19:30.836+08:00Hari AhadKami berpakat<br />
mahu berjumpa.<br />
<br />
Aku mahu mengetahui kisahnya<br />
yang malas dia ceritakan secara teks.<br />
<br />
Kami berjumpa<br />
barang dua jam.<br />
<br />
Aku menemuinya<br />
dengan perasaan cinta<br />
yang telah luput.<br />
<br />
Berbual tanpa debaran cinta<br />
<br />
Bertentang mata tanpa debaran cinta<br />
<br />
Kami berpisah<br />
dan ucapkan selamat tinggal.<br />
<br />
Aku ucapkan tahniah pada diri<br />
kerana perasaanku telah pergi.<br />
<br />
Tapi, babi.<br />
<br />
Namanya ku sebut-sebut kembali.Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-27984969437556773772016-09-03T23:55:00.000+08:002016-09-03T23:58:36.105+08:00MatiHari ini<br />
Aku mengenang<br />
Kawan-kawan<br />
Yang telah pergi<br />
<br />
<i>Shuen Ling</i><br />
<br />
<i>Syahril</i><br />
<br />
<i>Nick</i><br />
<br />
<i>Rasfan</i><br />
<br />
Kemudian,<br />
Aku teringat dia<br />
<br />
Dia yang hidup lagi<br />
<br />
Tapi seakan telah mati.Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-7378424785024099932016-06-07T00:41:00.004+08:002020-06-12T00:31:49.242+08:00Hospital<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">It feels like you're dead. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">And you're alone. In your grave.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;"><br></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">The nurses and the doctors </span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">are like those two angels</span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Who ask what you've done </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">and bring you bad news</span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;"><br></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">Again and again.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">Leaving you hoping and counting on the days</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">To the day you can finally leave.</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">You have people around you</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">Just like in the graveyard.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">But you're alone. They're alone.</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">And they have visitors coming in and out.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">Praying for them. Spending time with them.</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">And you're alone.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;"><br></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">Your face lights up</span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;"> </span><br>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">When you see someone familiar comes</span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">Praying for you. Spending time with you.</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">Talking to you.</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">But that's only for a short while </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;"><br></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">As they leave, you wilt in your smile </span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-large;">They say goodbye. You say thank you.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">Your heart dims, for you know</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">You're left alone again.</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">With the angels, </span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">with your fellow dead neighbours.</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">And that must've been how the dead feels</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">Alone in their grave</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">Without the thoughts</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">From the people</span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">Whom they thought had cared.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;">(Written during the time I was warded for dengue)</span></div>
Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-81162164662013179212016-05-14T01:16:00.000+08:002016-05-14T01:16:50.761+08:00AssholeMalam ini, seperti biasa,<br />
aku bekerja.<br />
<br />
Dan aku berharap kau akan telefon<br />
<br />
<br />
Paling tidak, <i>chat.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i> </i>Dekat Whatsapp.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i> </i>Atau FB,<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i> paling tidak.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i> </i>AKU RINDU KAU.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i> </i> Tahu tak?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><i> Asshole.</i></b>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-75223878921280832722014-06-17T00:21:00.000+08:002014-06-17T00:21:02.338+08:00Mimpi Sepi<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hari ini aku merasa sunyi</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yang benar, sejak lewat beberapa hari</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tapi hari ini, sepi itu kian menusuk</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kian merenggut setiap nadi uratku</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sepi kenapa?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Rindukan dia?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dia yang tak peduli?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dia yang tak tahu malah tak mengerti</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Rasa yang terbina dalam jiwa?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mengapa?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mengapa tegar kau memegang erat tangannya?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mengapa tegar kau genggam kuat jemarinya</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sedang kau sendiri tak pasti</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Apakah dia akan membalas genggaman</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jemarimu itu?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Oh, tak pasti. Kerana tak pasti.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kerana itu kau teguh berharap</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Itu yang terjadi</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dia menggenggam jemarimu semula</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Malah dengan kedua belah tangannya?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Di suatu hari nanti?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yang tak pasti itu mimpi</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tapi yang pasti itu....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ah, aku sendiri kaget </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Gusar, bimbang dibunuh realiti yang pasti</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Maka itu, aku terus bermimpi.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-17206747733379976952014-05-14T23:49:00.000+08:002014-05-14T23:49:40.740+08:00Engkau<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Engkau itu orangnya tinggi</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Wajah tidak setampan putera dari Pahang itu,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">tetapi manis lagi menyenangkan mata.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Engkau itu orangnya diam, garang</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tapi senang sekali diajak bicara</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kadang-kala engkau keanak-anakan</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tapi sikap dewasamu begitu meyakinkan</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Engkau tampak tidak peduli</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">tapi mungkin engkau menatangku dalam hati</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mungkin juga tidak.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mungkin, mungkin, mungkin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Pandangan matamu itu melemahkan,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">malah bikin aku berasa cantik sekali</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Aku seperti dipeluk erat</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Serasa ada selaput hangat </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">yang melindungiku dari bahaya</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">tiap kali engkau memandangku.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Engkau, engkau, engkau.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Barangkali engkau tak tahu</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tapi mungkin juga engkau sedar</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Atau juga mendengar batinku menjerit</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Memanggil namamu, menyeru jiwamu dalam perit</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Perit menahan rindu, menanggung beban cinta</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">yang tak bisa terungkap</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jika engkau tahu, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">hari-hari adalah peperangan bagiku</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jika engkau tahu,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">dalam hati ini tidak aman</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">kerana engkau, kerana cinta, kerana rindu</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dan jika engkau tahu</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">apakah engkau akan datang</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">dan menyamankan aku dengan tanganmu</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">dengan pujukan suaramu</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">dengan matamu yang melemahkan?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tapi engkau.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Engkau tak mungkin aku miliki</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sedang jiwa aku memberontak, sakit</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Apakah cinta tak mengerti atau aku yang tidak peduli?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tapi engkau.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Engkau selalu di hati</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Meski hatimu tak bisa aku curi</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Meski kau tak mampu aku miliki.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jay Harun|9 Mei 2014</span>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-11229146634835776302014-04-14T00:14:00.000+08:002014-04-14T00:14:42.626+08:00Sekejapan di Kuantan.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ya, setelah merasa bosan asyik rumah-pejabat-rumah, dan seringnya merungut kerana tiada "life", akhirnya aku putuskan untuk mengikut teman baikku ke kampungnya di Kuantan. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Perjalanan awal pagi penuh kabus begitu menyegarkan. Ah, kalau tingkap kereta dibuka pasti lebih enak lagi. Melayan temanku berbual sepanjang perjalanan walau mata kian terpejam akibat tidur yang belum puas. Tapi begitulah, sekejap mengantuk sekejap segar.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Akhirnya aku tewas. Aku terlelap sebentar selepas lama bertahan. Semakin jauh kami menyelusuri lebuh raya yang terentang di bumi Pahang, semakin aku terpukau dengan suasana berkabus di pagi hari.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSlQLKAGg-deKdSKaLY4VwTDXu0oETxfz682fsX-sy_PqvbzSkAS-E8CRosrmG45vGa9E-wC3y0BJH0ZE-6SadDpQd1WZyGcAlmX37A7ejgvV1GHOW-LY0LwhtvfbiKSD5aH9pFgxT48A/s1600/10259856_10152046693764007_3002386867514859579_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSlQLKAGg-deKdSKaLY4VwTDXu0oETxfz682fsX-sy_PqvbzSkAS-E8CRosrmG45vGa9E-wC3y0BJH0ZE-6SadDpQd1WZyGcAlmX37A7ejgvV1GHOW-LY0LwhtvfbiKSD5aH9pFgxT48A/s1600/10259856_10152046693764007_3002386867514859579_n.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kami tiba di Perkampungan Tok Sira dalam jam 10.30 pagi. Agak keletihan. Tertidur sebentar sebelum keluar meneroka bandar Kuantan. Ya, aku mahu ke Kula Cakes atau Lila Wadi! Aku mahu merasa Dark Chocolate Toblerone Cheese Cake yang si Deris suka amat mempromote di Instagramnya. Tapi, sebelumnya, kami ke Pasaraya Cowboy. Ya, antara pasaraya kegemaran aku di Pahang sana. Nope, tiada yang aku berkenan kali ini walaupun aku nyaris membeli sekotak mug.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Moving on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kami ke stadium. Untuk ambil seorang lagi adik temanku. Hah, pertama kalinya aku melihat sendiri Stadium Darul Makmur yang gah itu. Memang gah. Pintu depannya, lagi stadiumnya dicat berwarna warni. Memang sesuailah dengan kebangkitan Pasukan Tok Gajah itu. Ya, semestinya kami sempat saja membeli sehelai kemeja-T setiap seorang meski aku bukanlah penyokong Tok Gajah, apatah lagi aku juga bukan seorang peminat bola sepak, baik tempatan mahupun dunia.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jadi, wajib jugalah bergambar di tempat yang gah ini. Lagi juga, aku berjalan di antara penyokong Tok Gajah yang memang terkenal dengan semangatnya, hingga jiwa aku diresapi semangat mereka hingga nyaris aku tertarik untuk membeli tiket dan menonton perlawanan yang langsung aku tak fahami. Tapi, bergambar itu harus. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ah, semangat sekali hingga sayang hendak meninggalkan tempat itu. Okey, seterusnya, ke Kula Cakes dengan bayangan Toblerone Cheesecake di depan mata. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ha, agak kecewa sebab rupanya aku tersalah kek namun rasanya tak mengecewakan langsung! Kepadatannya, rasa berlemaknya, manisnya, Tobleronenya sungguh! Sungguh seksi. Dan aku sukakan dekonya, ruang makan di luar kedai dengan kerusi meja terbuat dari kotak kayu.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Pulang ke rumah, baru aku nampak empat si kecil ini. Aku mula berkira-kira, mungkin tak apa jadi "old cat lady", tapi aku tak mahu. Tak mahu tak mahu! Penat sungguh aku malam itu hingga tak terjamah makan malam yang dah disediakan si ibu. Niat berbaring sebentar langsung jadi ketiduran hingga pagi. Ah, sudah lama aku tak merasa tidur senyenyak itu meski badan berpeluh-peluh tak bermandi. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dan tibalah masanya untuk pulang. Walaupun sangat sekejap aku jejak kaki meneroka daerah Kuantan ini, tapi aku gembira. Gembira yang amat, lari sebentar dari wajah biasa negeri kelahiran aku. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tapi, sebelum pulang, sempat aku menunaikan hajat. Dark Chocolate Toblerone Cheesecake. Jujurnya, aku rasa Toblerone Cheesecake lebih memuaskan. Tak tahulah, kerana aku makan ketika ia hampir mencair. Panas sungguh Kuantan di siang hari! Itu, wajah gembira aku dan betapa gemuknya aku semalaman di Kuantan. Cukup rehat, senang hati barangkali. Dan si Deris bikin aku menyesal kerana tak mencuba Mango Cheesecake. Baik, aku akan kembali.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Di tepi sungai Pahang. Airnya yang bersih buat aku kepingin mahu berendam di dalamnya. Heh, gila barangkali. Panas amat, mungkin juga. Kerana lihat sajalah betapa menyegarkan ia kelihatan. Aku tersenyum puas, kerana banyak juga aku alami dalam lawatan teramat singkat ini.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ha, inilah dia, aisi dia, bukan aisi koi. Tapi, kembali itu pasti. </span>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-90259116360461791302014-03-27T23:15:00.000+08:002014-03-27T23:15:58.786+08:00mentari<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhycmcmi9or4Pd2GbmC9SXW3F4cImVhLwAlGKX0_nqxIqYwhqr8Uq5rPLO_qnz_bx0hFp_wi5RU2Mo_4sUaINEty6VXBstMfEnUEXa9HcHz-uzsLPV_hlfWzLAg8lgQOrp564QiY_RTsi0/s1600/Photo+on+2011-09-13+at+16.14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhycmcmi9or4Pd2GbmC9SXW3F4cImVhLwAlGKX0_nqxIqYwhqr8Uq5rPLO_qnz_bx0hFp_wi5RU2Mo_4sUaINEty6VXBstMfEnUEXa9HcHz-uzsLPV_hlfWzLAg8lgQOrp564QiY_RTsi0/s400/Photo+on+2011-09-13+at+16.14.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-84528261709584307872014-03-27T23:14:00.000+08:002014-03-27T23:14:44.841+08:00Berdikari<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mungkin aku terlalu berdikari,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Meski tak bisa bikin anak sendiri-sendiri.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jadi itu, aku bisa bersendiri,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tanpa takut, tanpa gusar.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Meski lelaki ku puja bergilir ganti</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">menyinggah di sukma, berangan mencinta.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mungkin kerana aku terlalu berdikari,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kerana itu, aku masih bersendiri.</span>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-64221393759550623802014-03-16T22:15:00.000+08:002014-03-16T22:18:09.771+08:00Kedekut atau jimat?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Siang tadi aku mengadu pada mak, perihal aku berkenan sebuah beg tangan di H&M, dengan reka bentuk <i>vintage</i> dan pastinya menarik minat aku. Harganya? RM150.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Alah, RM150 je? Bukannya RM1,500. Kalau aku, aku ambik je," jawab mak penuh sinis. "Tapi, RM150 tu boleh buat isi minyak 3 minggu mak," jawab aku. "Kau isi minyak tiga minggu untuk nilai tu tapi nanti tetap kena isi balik, kan? Minyak tu tetap habis, kan? Baik kau beli je beg tu, tahan bertahun."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Aku diam. Ada betulnya. Tapi bagi aku, lebih baik aku utama perkara belanja harian dulu. Yalah, beg tu boleh tunggu gaji ke apa ke. Lalu aku pun nekad bersabar dulu.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Entah bagaimana, aku boleh pergi <i>order</i> pula minyak wangi Ralph Lauren Blue 100ml dengan harga RM130 dari The Beautyholics.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Aku masih tak cukup bijak.</span>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-66446644876720779942013-07-13T11:26:00.003+08:002013-07-13T11:39:53.221+08:00Perkembangan Setakat Ini<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Assalamualaikum. Ada sesiapa kat sini?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Okay. Bulan Februari tempoh hari aku ada bercerita tentang sambung belajar dan juga bekerja secara sambilan. Dan seperti yang dijangka, ujian mendatang dengan hebat sehingga aku hampir diserang depresi sekali lagi.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Pembelajaran di fakulti tersebut yang terletak jauh dari bandar, dan perjalanan dari rumah ke sana yang mengambil masa hampir setengah jam dan terpaksa berjalan jauh ke fakulti, sangat memenatkan. Tak tahulah mungkin kerana aku pun dah masuk awal 30-an. Ditambah pula dengan pelbagai aktiviti yang perlu disertai dan aku pula punya banyak komitmen yang perlu dipenuhi membuat aku memikirkan banyak kali tentang keputusan mengambil ijazah kedua ini. Lagi pula, tuntutan kerja sambilan turut perlu aku penuhi, kalau tidak mana datangnya dana untuk menampung pelajaran, kan? Belanja minyak, makan dan sebagainya.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hari-hari aku berkejar ke fakulti, tanpa rehat dan makan yang cukup, kemudian berkejar pula ke pejabat. Mungkin aku sebenarnya tidak kuat, atau tak menguatkan semangat tapi sejujurnya aku sangat penat. Dan ia seterusnya memberi kesan kepada jiwa aku yang masih dalam penyembuhan dari depresi. Setelah dua kali dihalau dari kelas kerana lewat sampai, akhirnya aku membuat keputusan dan berbincang dengan beberapa orang kuat di belakang aku. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sedih, memang sedih. Tapi, aku terpaksa lepaskan salah satu. Setelah difikirkan dengan mendalam dan mengambil kira setiap risiko, aku nekad melepaskan ijazah kedua. Lagipun, aku sudah memiliki ijazah pertama, tak perlulah tamak sangat nak ambil ijazah kedua semata-mata dah tak tahu nak buat apa dengan hidup aku. Dan setelah memutuskan untuk melepaskan ijazah kedua ini, serta merta aku terasa beban berat telah diangkat dari bahu aku. Aku lega, aku kembali senyum, aku kembali bertenaga.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Merenung kembali.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dalam sebulan sebelum Tuhan kurniakan aku kedua-dua kehendak aku secara serentak, keimanan aku merudum kerana aku belum mendapat apa yang aku mahu. Aku merajuk dengan Tuhan, sedangkan aku pun tidak seberapa sumbang bakti yang aku curahkan kepada agama. Tapi akhirnya Tuhan berikan kedua-duanya dalam jarak masa yang dekat. Aku gembira, tapi aku tak sedar di situlah ujian sebenar. Adakah aku bijak membuat pilihan, atau aku buta-buta mengambil kedua-duanya dengan tamak dan menyangka aku sanggup melakukannya? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Setelah ditunjukkan akibat daripada ketamakan itu, seperti kisah di atas, aku akhirnya sedar yang kita sepatutnya berusaha dan bertawakal dan berharap ehsan Allah dalam menentukan yang terbaik untuk diri kita. Bukan dengan merajuk-rajuk dan memaksa-maksa Allah memenuhi permintaan kita, sedang kita sendiri tak tahu apa yang terbaik bagi kita, walaupun kita sangkakan apa yang kita mahukan itu adalah terbaik bagi kita.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dan bila merenung kembali kedua-dua permintaan aku yang dipenuhi oleh Allah secara serentak, aku melihatnya sebagai, "Ha, nak sangat, kan? Nah, ambil. Ambil dua-duanya."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jadi, aku pening kerana terpaksa memilih antara dua. Alhamdulillah, aku telah membuat keputusan yang betul, rasanya pertama kali dalam hidup aku dapat buat keputusan yang betul. Alhamdulillah atas ilmu yang telah Allah, dengan rahmat dan ehsan-Nya berikan kepada aku.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Lain kali aku akan ceritakan pula tentang pekerjaan aku. Jumpa lagi.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Assalamualaikum.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-64290607084167373712013-02-15T16:58:00.001+08:002013-02-15T16:58:33.369+08:00Jumaat gemilang.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Permintaan aku ditunaikan oleh-Nya. Pertolongan-Nya sampai di saat tepat. Allah mengizinkan rancangan aku berjalan seperti yang dirancangkan. Dan mendapat kerja yang sangat aku idamkan? Itu adalah bonus terbesar dalam hidup, cukup besar walaupun sekadar sambilan. Dapat juga aku menampung perbelanjaan pelajaran. Alhamdulillah.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sudah semestinya ada ujian yang akan datang bersama dengan <i>approval</i> tersebut. Aku berdoa semoga ujian itu tidak berat dan mudah untuk aku atasi. Dan aku berharap pada kekuatan diri untuk menempuhnya. Heh, hentikan segala tangisan kelemahan dan keluh kesah. <i>Things will go right when you don't dwell in your unfortunate fate.</i> Aku dapat rasa aku akan bergelut dengan masa. Tak apa, aku akan berusaha dan Allah pasti akan bantu. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Percaya dan yakin.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-6724529936405592982013-02-15T16:22:00.000+08:002013-02-15T16:42:20.512+08:00Berpagi-pagi.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kata orang-orang tua, berpagi-pagi itu membuka pintu rezeki. Malam semalam aku berbincang dengan seorang sahabat tentang perkara ini, sementelah masing-masing pun kena <i>fuck</i> dengan kehidupan. Jadi kami cuba mencari relevannya berpagi-pagi itu rezeki mudah masuk, sebab selama ini pun bangun pagi pergi kerja tetap kena <i>fuck</i> juga dengan kehidupan.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sementara dia sedang merungut tentang ketidakrelevannya berpagi-pagi dengan pintu rezeki, aku mengutarakan teori aku yang sebenarnya ia adalah tentang sarapan pagi. Biasanya di awal pagi itu bukankah sarapan masih banyak, masih penuh di meja. Tentulah kenyang perut hingga ke tengah hari. Kalau bangun di kala matahari sudah meninggi di atas kepala, nah, bukankah meja sudah dikemas, segala sarapan yang enak itu telah langsai dilahap oleh si berpagian. Lalu berlaparlah kau sampai ke tengah hari. Itu teori aku. Dan aku merasakan itu teori yang bijak yang aku keluarkan.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Pagi ini, aku bangun dan aku terfikir.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Aku ada urusan itu ini untuk menguruskan pinjaman pendidikan aku. Anda semua pun ada pelbagai urusan yang perlu diselesaikan. Jadi, aku mula memahami yang dikatakan rezeki itu tidaklah semestinya wang yang mencurah masuk.Ataupun sarapan enak penuh meja. Kalau pagi-pagi berurusan menyelesaikan itu ini adalah lebih mudah sebab pagi-pagi semua orang masih segar, tenaga masih tip top. Muka masih manis di tahap optimum. Jadi urusan pun mudah. Tiada yang marah-marah. Tiada yang tertekan. Tiada yang merungut terpaksa datang semula esok sebab orang yang kita sedang berurusan dengan itu sudah menggelabah hendak pulang. Itupun salah satu pintu rezeki juga. Dipermudahkan urusan.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Memang lembab kepala otak aku hendak memahami segala benda yang dilarang dan digalakkan orang tua. Masalahnya aku pula masih berlengah menguruskan urusan penting aku. Dadada.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Nota kaki ayam: Bagaimanapun aku ada sedikit anti dengan petua mereka.</i></span></div>
Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5244344342378429385.post-70990177161763708392013-02-14T02:47:00.000+08:002013-02-14T03:08:11.116+08:00Rezeki<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jam sekarang menunjukkan 1.24 pagi. Sepatutnya aku sudah masuk tidur tetapi macam biasa perasaan menggatal untuk online begitu kuat. Nak menaip bloglah kononnya.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ah, damai betul mendengarkan lagu-lagu dendangan The Carpenters. Ya, baiklah aku mengaku bukan semua lagu mereka aku suka pun. Lalu dengar sajalah lagu-lagu yang menangkap jiwa, bukan begitu? Kadang-kadang melihat kejayaan mereka dalam bidang yang diminati mengundang cemburu juga. Yalah, manakan tidak. Aku masih terkontang-kanting mencari arah tuju hidup, tapi sesetengah orang dah tahu jelas apa yang ingin dikejarnya. Walaupun umur Karen Carpenter tidak panjang, tapi cukup lama legasinya berjalan. Memang bertuah. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hey, sudah-sudahlah mengintai tingkap hidup orang lain. Bertambah lara jiwa nanti.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hari ini aku membuat salinan segala dokumen yang diperlukan untuk permohonan pinjaman nanti. Boleh pula terlupa membawa thumbdrive untuk mencetak surat-surat pengesahan. Memang begitulah perangainya. Fokus sangat ke perkara membuat salinan sedangkan surat-surat yang sama pentingnya terluput dari ingatan. Dah tua barangkali. Atau <i>simply</i> lengai.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kemudian selepas Maghrib aku bergegas pula ke rumah kakak aku yang sulung. Maklumlah, bertugas sebagai pembantu rumahnya lebih kurang macam orang penting untuk sesuatu tugasan. Tugas menghantar anak-anaknya mengaji kemudian menunggu rumahnya sementara menunggu budak-budak itu pulang. Kenapa aku bercerita benda-benda yang bosan ni?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Potong pendek.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Aku pulang ke rumah setelah kakak aku sampai di rumahnya. Aku pulang membawa dua orang dari lima orang anaknya, yang sulung dan yang bongsu. Nak tidur rumah wan katanya. Sampai saja di rumah, kakak aku yang kedua sedang bersedia berangkat pulang. Sempatlah sepupu-sepupu itu berjumpa. Comel tatkala dua budak kecil itu bersalam. Masing-masing bersalam cium tangan masing-masing. Hahaha! Comel. Sedang aku sibuk mencium anak-anak buah aku, aku terasa kakak aku mencuit-cuit lengan aku. Eh, tak pernah-pernah kami bersalam, mengapa pula beria benar dia mencuit lengan aku? Tapi cuitan itu terasa tajam-tajam macam kertas. Ah, rupanya dia menghulur wang belanja. "Tak banyak, ni je," ujarnya tatkala menghulur dua keping wang kertas RM50 kepada aku. Sebelum itu dia bertanya, "Nak tak? Kalau taknak aku ambil balik." "Semoga kau murah rezeki. Terima kasih," ujar aku penuh rasa terharu bercampur sedikit rasa <i>loser</i>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sumpah aku sebak. Aku rasa malu.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tapi itu rezeki yang Allah bagi. Allah tahu kesusahan yang aku alami. Allah timpakan ujian begini kerana Allah tahu aku mampu tempuhinya. Aku pun tak berapa yakin aku boleh. Aku cuma perlu kuatkan hati dan kuatkan kesabaran. Bukannya aku ini <i>loser</i>, cuma belum sampai masa aku lagi. Untuk sampai ke masa aku, banyak perkara dan kelemahan yang aku perlu perbaiki. Aku sedar, kebanyakan kecelakaan dalam hidup aku yang lepas berpunca dari aku juga. Mujur masih tak terlambat untuk aku mulakan hidup baru. Bina kembali diri. Alhamdulillah. Tak apalah masih <i>single</i> pun. Janji kehidupan aku teratur, cukup makan dan pakai. </span>Jay Harunhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00397737660049881443noreply@blogger.com0