this phoenix won't rise anymore

as posted on june 27, 2009, while listening to his "one day in your life".


typical, isn't it? everybody's going to talk about michael jackson, at least for this couple of weeks, or more.

no, michael jackson didn't live in a house behind mine, he was not even my uncle.

but i grew up listening to his songs, watching him dance, his performance (on tv of course). in fact, we all did. be it "beginner", "intermediate" or "advanced" (the die-hard ones) fans. although his best-seller came out when i was a newborn (or maybe i was still in my mommy's womb), he, somehow, more or less, made my growing up process something memorable.

from seeing him in darker tone, subdued to lighter tone (due to the vitiligo), the media reports on his changes of styles and face, were always been followed up by fans, and the public. well, yes, of course, they were published in the media, can you say you didn't know? michael jackson, his life was such a mess. i pitied him. he shouldn't had that cosmetic surgeries, he could've been better without it. anyhow, i do love his ballads, they struck my heart. the way he sang them, his voice. my most favourite song of his will always be "one day in your life". this song never failed to make me cry, or at least bring tears to my eyes. and yes, "you are not alone" too. and his pop songs are.......bodymovers. energetic!

his video clips, always the dramatic kinds. makes you nailed in front of the tv, and watch them to the end. i was thrilled by them, to the stage of doing re-enactment of "thriller" video when i was in primary school, when i was 8 or 9. my elder sister "co-starred" with me. yes, it was silly, and funny. and real fun. his videos are tip top. i don't think tip top is the right expression.

growing up with his songs, made me feel like, close to him. yes, he didn't even know me, but he just didn't stop to amaze me with his music, his dance moves. that crotch-grabbing? i couldn't care less, though i do feel uncomfortable with it. and not all of his songs are my favourite, and i didn't know the title and the singer sometimes. i did laugh at those people who tried to dress like him, but, it's an individual thing. he had such a powerful influence towards all humans in general, that, you can get a loan as simple as ABC if you had him as a guarantor. that's just an example. don't take it too seriously.

and when i heard of his death this morning (26 June 2009), and that was unintentionally, i was stunned. i read the headline without paying attention and the first thing i said was, "heh??", for i couldn't believe that he was gone, that i thought i misread it. shortly after that, i went silent. choked. then there were tears in my eyes. i felt like, all my great childhood memories were taken away by his death. suddenly i couldn't remember those memories, all the fun things i went through in my growing up process, backed up with his music. and the words "if only..." came barging into my head.

looking at his troublesome life, i do feel sorry for him. all those molestation cases (which i believed he never done any of it), sometimes i think they just wanted to take advantage on his wealth, and maybe his kindness.

so he planned to make a revival concert, a comeback next month. yes, i do feel excited to see him rise again, just like the phoenix. in my heart, i wish he could make it.

but he returned to the One who created him, while all the preparations for the comeback were in the midst of arrangement. he himself might have never thought of this, to be called home before he even get the chance to redeem his era of glory. not even us; the fans, friends and family. he came to this world with different colour and looks, but he returned in totally different looks and colour. (okay, i was trying to be funny, but...)

uh, this tears just won't stop running down my face. "come on, michael jackson had nothing to do with you." yes, i know that. it just that the feeling of closeness, made me feel like, i was killed by the sad, heart-breaking news.

"one day in your life, you'll remember the love you found here. you'll remember me somehow, though you don't need me now, i will stay in your heart..."

these sentences, even the whole lyric has given me great emotional impact since the first time i heard it, when i was little. okay, when i was in primary school. since then, i'm never sick and tired of this song. the song that never failed to bring tears to my eyes.

"One day in your life, when you find that you're always longing for the love we used to share, just call my name, and I'll be there....."

no, he won't. forever.

note: i cried like a little girl (silently) tonight. and i wonder why i never heard him sing one day in your life in any of his concerts anymore, or he did sing but i didn't know?