you could've called

You met with a mutual friend

Who I haven't met for a long time

And you asked her about me

You know what?

You could've called

untitled

I dreamt of you last night.

You were so bubbly, we were so intimate.

I held your hands, asking what you've been up to.

You didn't pull your hands away, as you answered my questions.

I wish we could be that way

In this real life, too.

Building Up and Crumbling Down

I've submitted all of my assignments. Yes, what a relief. Now I should happily wait for my payment to be wired in to my bank account. But no, every now and then there will be revisions that I should make and re-submit. This alone makes me want to hide into the end of the world but the problem is the world has no end. It's a loop of madness that I can't escape from. It's just scary, you know? To have finished your work, have it checked and then sent back to you for your revision and approval. I mean, don't do that, please. Once I've submitted my task, I wouldn't want to see it again, let alone go through it again.

Now I'm also afraid of e-mail notifications. 

It's good that I have my freelance job to help me get by, and to feel like I'm rebuilding my life back, but at the same time I feel like I'm demolishing it on the other side. Like rebuilding while demolishing it all at the same time.

Argh, I really wish I have someone who I can talk to, and listen without feeling like they want to kick me to the end of the world where I can't come back to bother them again, but the world has no end, and it's a loop of madness. 

Suicidal Thought

So, I finally signed a contract as freelancer. I liked how light it made me feel, finally doing the thing that I'm so afraid of. But, I've been putting it off for almost a week and it kept bugging me, making me more and more afraid. Now it's done, I'm relieved. Good for me.

Let's talk about suicidal thought. Shall we? Or we shan't?

Anyway, there are days that I feel like doing myself in. It's been years, before and after I sought medical help. I really don't know how I managed to stay alive until this day. I know, suicidal thought sounds so dramatic and attention seeking. It's not.

Like you may have heard, or read, it's just us trying to make it stop. The anxiety. The depression. All the feelings that come with them. Waking up and feeling useless, helpless, guilty, and carrying the weight all day long, every single day. Sometimes you don't have anyone to talk to, to ease the burden, because you don't want to bore somebody with the same shit every single time. Thank God for blogs, journals and etc., although I know nobody really reads it. My blog, especially. But it's okay.

You know what keeps me going (alive)? The anticipation of things will be better again. Wait, is anticipation the right word? Well, I guess. Maybe not accurate, but okay. I keep looking forward to the day my anxiety and depression finally going away. To being genuinely happy again without a dash of guilt. To no longer feeling afraid. Well, I guess it's more to the reason that death by suicide is not covered by insurance. Yeah. But, hey, I'm still waiting and hoping for that day to come. Since the past years, since after I got the treatment. It has yet to come, but there is a period where I thought it did. False. I still think about ending my life. You know, by the least painful way. "Accidental" overdose, maybe.

I'm getting tired of it, but I'm still hoping.

Good night.

Anxiety Strikes Again!

 Hi, all.

Okay, first of all, I've been retrenched from my job of seven years as a subtitler at a local huge TV station. No, the other one. Right now, I'm about four months into unemployment. Well, everything was good. I kinda relieved about being released from the company, from the job (as I know there are a lot of freelance jobs I can fall back on). I enjoyed doing freelance jobs until lately, I don't know if it's the uncertainty of my future, or because I'm jobless and I have commitments to fulfil. All I know is that my anxiety and depression slowly creeping in, finding their way back into my brain and mess with everything. I think they have made themselves at home now, because for the past month I've been dreading to see new e-mails coming in. Or phone calls. Even text messages make me jump now.

I know it's funny. I've been looking for freelance jobs, because I don't think I can work in an office anymore, given the environment, the ambience, the politics, the meetings, all the live interactions with people in general (plus the traffic congestion I'll have to go through every morning and evening, even night). It's painful. I know I want replies, but I'm too scared to see if there IS any reply. It's getting hard since I can't go out to release all the built-up tension from the anxiety, due to the MCO. I can't even go to the hospital (actually scared to go to) because the COVID-19 cases are on the rise. I don't want to catch anything while trying to ease my mental issues.

This has resulted in me putting off signing things for work, although the work has been done. Signing stuff is always so dreadful. It feels like I'm signing up for a hellish life even though that's not the case. At all. I don't interact with the officer for my SOCSO's EIS. You know, that insurance thing for laid-off workers. I never contacted him to apply for the second relief. I don't care. I still have enough money (hopefully) until I can find a steady freelance job.

I love being a freelancer. The joy of working from home, or from anywhere you want (if travelling is allowed again), the uncertainty, the out-of-work period, the hit-or-miss income. I just don't want to sign anything. Just give me the job, I'll do it. I'll complete it on time, just don't ask me to sign anything. Forget about contract. But it doesn't work that way.

I wonder if there is any job that isn't anxiety-inducing. Is there?

Third month into unemployment, I started to work-out. You know, shed the fat a little, because I was expanding like nobody's business. I like it, the post-workout feel. The sweats dripping from all over your body, how your cheeks turn red from all the workout (quoting Emma Watson). I don't know why I stopped doing it. Not much progress but I like how I look now. I feel lighter, but my heart feels heavier. I hope this is just a hormonal thing.

When things are fine again, I'm planning to take up tap dancing. I've found a studio in KL, but I want to look for a studio nearer to where I live. And finally learn to play the violin or the piano. Maybe this will give me the peace of mind that I need so much. To have control of my life again. I'm 38, for God's sake. I should have control of my life.

You know what I need so much right now?

A hug. Tight and warm.

Good night.

Jaga Diri

Semalam aku tak boleh lelap
Aku teringatkan kau
Laju kau berlari-lari
Dalam ingatan aku.

Kemudian hati aku disentap
Rasa hiba yang mendera

"Why can't you be mine?" 

Dengan air mata, aku memohon
Agar kau selamat sejahtera

Biar pun bukan untuk aku
Tapi aku mahu kau
Sentiasa ada
Biar aku pergi dulu pun tak apa

Lalu dengan air mata
Aku lepaskan kau pergi

Jaga diri
Dan aku akan
Menjaga kau dari sini

Pengakuan

Lalu, aku pun meluahkan

Kepadanya. 

Rasa hatiku, secara kasual

Agar dia tahu.

Aku bersedia menerima caci makinya. 

Tapi, itu tak berlaku sama sekali. 

Dia malah memberikan 

senyuman yang manis, 

malah termanis yang pernah 

aku lihat terukir dari bibirnya

Dan membuatkan aku lebih jatuh cinta. 

Damn. 

Leon Lai

Dear Leon Lai,
my lifetime crush,

Sorry, I 💗 you,

But....

Jin sheng wu hui!

💏

Mister E

Malam ini aku periksa lagi Memories di Facebook. Bukanlah tujuan aku untuk mengimbau kenangan sangat, tapi aku cuma mahu melihat pos-pos lama yang kau komen, yang mana kita saling berkomunikasi waktu itu, ketika kita masih saling bercakap.

Aku akan senyum, aku akan rasa sayu.
Aku rindu kau. Aku rindu mata kau, kening kau, hidung kau, gigi kau, setiap inci wajah kau.

Aku lagi rindu mendengar suara kau.

Sampai sekarang aku masih perah otak, apa punca kita berhenti berbual? Aku masih belum bertemu seseorang yang serba-serbi mengatasi kau, dan kau masih penting bagi aku.

Ya, walaupun kita tak bercakap lagi.

Aku ingin bercerita macam-macam dengan kau.

Ya, walaupun lidah aku kelu saat kita berdepan.

Hari-hari aku memanjatkan doa kepada Sang Pencipta kita berdua, namun masih belum ada jawapan.

Aku inginkan jawapannya sekarang. Aku sudah tak mahu berteka-teki, membaca petunjuk, menanti pembayang. Aku ini bebal, aku perlu ditunjuki depan-depan, jelas-jelas.

Kau macam mana?

Rasa yang sama?

Tunggu aku, ya?

Struggle

It's been almost nine years. And I've been battling anxiety throughout the years. At first, I thought it was "normal" due to my nature of work until I found out I became irritated, depressed and feel like killing everybody who pissed me. I used to cry out of the blue every time I'm alone; be it when I'm driving or at the mall shopping. Sometimes I cry when there are people around me, but, I fought my tears back. I jumped from one company to another in an effort to kill the anxiety which I thought was caused by being stuck in the same stressful work environment.

So I landed a job in publishing company.

And I thought the anxiety died there. It didn't. The work nature at this company was worse
and for the first time in my life, I had to take anti-stress pills. Although the doctor prescribed only two pills, but, still. Long story short, I quit.

I went unemployed for a year, working at my sister's house as her help while figuring out what to do with my life. And then I found my dream job. I became a translator for TV programs. I was happy, although I still have those panic attacks but they were only work related.

Until this year. First two months into 2017 was the happiest I'd ever been. I don't remember the last time I hum or sing while walking around and do stuff. I was so confident that my anxiety had died. And I was happy. Came March, and the anxiety came marching in. More like barging in, I'd say.
My low blood sugar made things worst. I had anxiety attacks almost on a daily basis. My heart palpitated one night that I had to rush to the clinic at 2 am just to make sure that I wasn't going to die of a heart attack. Long story short, after multiple visits to various clinics, I finally agreed to go see a psychiatry.

I have people who are supportive and I'm grateful for that. I don't know if imaginary friends count but, hey, at least I have someone to talk to. But, there are friends who I thought would be the most understanding of my condition seem to be brushing me off. Like, they don't understand how can a person get panic attacks without anything triggering it. Hello, IT'S A DISORDER! They don't come on appointments, they just barging in like those rude, bad mannered friends crashing your couch uninvited. And there's nothing you can do to stop them.

It's really disappointing you know, when that one person you've been looking up to (read: the guy you have a crush on) also does the same. Saying that my stories of my anxiety/panic attacks are nothing short of corny. And I was embarrassed. Like, what I am now, an attention seeker? I don't think so.
This anxiety stuff made me shut myself down from other people. How does that make me an attention seeker? Wait, am I overthinking it now?

All I'm feeling now is like I'm chained to something unseen that stopped me from reaching out to people and living my life. Yes, anxiety made me a careful and compassionate person but trapped. And you feel lonely because you feel like people are pushing you away because of your mental illness.
And you feel lonely because you think nobody wants you to disturb them anymore when you really need to talk to someone. It's like hanging from a vine where it can rupture anytime and you'll fall below and die, while the leaves and the fruits are just looking at you while you struggle to stay alive and eventually die.

Xanax

Aku pun
tak tahulah.

Selama ni

aku cintakan kau

atau sekadar anxiety aku.

Hati aku terasa kabur
mungkin Xanax buat aku waras

Bukan sekadar daripada anxiety

tapi juga daripada perasaan terhadap kau.


Sial, dia padam semua sekali.

Hari Ahad

Kami berpakat
mahu berjumpa.

Aku mahu mengetahui kisahnya
yang malas dia ceritakan secara teks.

Kami berjumpa
barang dua jam.

Aku menemuinya
dengan perasaan cinta
yang telah luput.

Berbual tanpa debaran cinta

Bertentang mata tanpa debaran cinta

Kami berpisah
dan ucapkan selamat tinggal.

Aku ucapkan tahniah pada diri
kerana perasaanku telah pergi.

Tapi, babi.

Namanya ku sebut-sebut kembali.

Mati

Hari ini
Aku mengenang
Kawan-kawan
Yang telah pergi

Syahril

Nick

Rasfan

Kemudian,
Aku teringat dia

Dia yang hidup lagi

Tapi seakan telah mati.

Hospital

It feels like you're dead. 

And you're alone. In your grave.

The nurses and the doctors 

are like those two angels

Who ask what you've done 

and bring you bad news

Again and again.

Leaving you hoping and counting on the days
To the day you can finally leave.

You have people around you
Just like in the graveyard.

But you're alone. They're alone.
And they have visitors coming in and out.

Praying for them. Spending time with them.
And you're alone.

Your face lights up 
When you see someone familiar comes

Praying for you. Spending time with you.
Talking to you.

But that's only for a short while 

As they leave, you wilt in your smile 

They say goodbye. You say thank you.

Your heart dims, for you know
You're left alone again.
With the angels,
with your fellow dead neighbours.

And that must've been how the dead feels
Alone in their grave
Without the thoughts
From the people
Whom they thought had cared.

(Written during the time I was warded for dengue)

Asshole

Malam ini, seperti biasa,
aku bekerja.

Dan aku berharap kau akan telefon


         Paling tidak, chat.



                       Dekat Whatsapp.




                  Atau FB,


                                   paling tidak.



             AKU RINDU KAU.



                      Tahu tak?


                                         Asshole.

Mimpi Sepi

Hari ini aku merasa sunyi
Yang benar, sejak lewat beberapa hari
Tapi hari ini, sepi itu kian menusuk
Kian merenggut setiap nadi uratku

Sepi kenapa?

Rindukan dia?
Dia yang tak peduli?
Dia yang tak tahu malah tak mengerti
Rasa yang terbina dalam jiwa?

Mengapa?

Mengapa tegar kau memegang erat tangannya?
Mengapa tegar kau genggam kuat jemarinya
Sedang kau sendiri tak pasti
Apakah dia akan membalas genggaman
Jemarimu itu?

Oh, tak pasti. Kerana tak pasti.

Kerana itu kau teguh berharap
Itu yang terjadi
Dia menggenggam jemarimu semula
Malah dengan kedua belah tangannya?

Di suatu hari nanti?

Yang tak pasti itu mimpi
Tapi yang pasti itu....
Ah, aku sendiri kaget 
Gusar, bimbang dibunuh realiti yang pasti
Maka itu, aku terus bermimpi.

Engkau

Engkau itu orangnya tinggi
Wajah tidak setampan putera dari Pahang itu,
tetapi manis lagi menyenangkan mata.
Engkau itu orangnya diam, garang
Tapi senang sekali diajak bicara
Kadang-kala engkau keanak-anakan
Tapi sikap dewasamu begitu meyakinkan
Engkau tampak tidak peduli
tapi mungkin engkau menatangku dalam hati
Mungkin juga tidak.

Mungkin, mungkin, mungkin.

Pandangan matamu itu melemahkan,
malah bikin aku berasa cantik sekali
Aku seperti dipeluk erat
Serasa ada selaput hangat 
yang melindungiku dari bahaya
tiap kali engkau memandangku.

Engkau, engkau, engkau.

Barangkali engkau tak tahu
Tapi mungkin juga engkau sedar
Atau juga mendengar batinku menjerit
Memanggil namamu, menyeru jiwamu dalam perit
Perit menahan rindu, menanggung beban cinta
yang tak bisa terungkap

Jika engkau tahu, 
hari-hari adalah peperangan bagiku
Jika engkau tahu,
dalam hati ini tidak aman
kerana engkau, kerana cinta, kerana rindu
Dan jika engkau tahu
apakah engkau akan datang
dan menyamankan aku dengan tanganmu
dengan pujukan suaramu
dengan matamu yang melemahkan?

Tapi engkau.

Engkau tak mungkin aku miliki
Sedang jiwa aku memberontak, sakit
Apakah cinta tak mengerti atau aku yang tidak peduli?

Tapi engkau.

Engkau selalu di hati
Meski hatimu tak bisa aku curi
Meski kau tak mampu aku miliki.

Jay Harun|9 Mei 2014

Sekejapan di Kuantan.

Ya, setelah merasa bosan asyik rumah-pejabat-rumah, dan seringnya merungut kerana tiada "life", akhirnya aku putuskan untuk mengikut teman baikku ke kampungnya di Kuantan. 

Perjalanan awal pagi penuh kabus begitu menyegarkan. Ah, kalau tingkap kereta dibuka pasti lebih enak lagi. Melayan temanku berbual sepanjang perjalanan walau mata kian terpejam akibat tidur yang belum puas. Tapi begitulah, sekejap mengantuk sekejap segar.
Akhirnya aku tewas. Aku terlelap sebentar selepas lama bertahan. Semakin jauh kami menyelusuri lebuh raya yang terentang di bumi Pahang, semakin aku terpukau dengan suasana berkabus di pagi hari.

Kami tiba di Perkampungan Tok Sira dalam jam 10.30 pagi. Agak keletihan. Tertidur sebentar sebelum keluar meneroka bandar Kuantan. Ya, aku mahu ke Kula Cakes atau Lila Wadi! Aku mahu merasa Dark Chocolate Toblerone Cheese Cake yang si Deris suka amat mempromote di Instagramnya. Tapi, sebelumnya, kami ke Pasaraya Cowboy. Ya, antara pasaraya kegemaran aku di Pahang sana. Nope, tiada yang aku berkenan kali ini walaupun aku nyaris membeli sekotak mug.

Moving on.

Kami ke stadium. Untuk ambil seorang lagi adik temanku. Hah, pertama kalinya aku melihat sendiri Stadium Darul Makmur yang gah itu. Memang gah. Pintu depannya, lagi stadiumnya dicat berwarna warni. Memang sesuailah dengan kebangkitan Pasukan Tok Gajah itu. Ya, semestinya kami sempat saja membeli sehelai kemeja-T setiap seorang meski aku bukanlah penyokong Tok Gajah, apatah lagi aku juga bukan seorang peminat bola sepak, baik tempatan mahupun dunia.

Jadi, wajib jugalah bergambar di tempat yang gah ini. Lagi juga, aku berjalan di antara penyokong Tok Gajah yang memang terkenal dengan semangatnya, hingga jiwa aku diresapi semangat mereka hingga nyaris aku tertarik untuk membeli tiket dan menonton perlawanan yang langsung aku tak fahami. Tapi, bergambar itu harus. 

Ah, semangat sekali hingga sayang hendak meninggalkan tempat itu. Okey, seterusnya, ke Kula Cakes dengan bayangan Toblerone Cheesecake di depan mata. 

Ha, agak kecewa sebab rupanya aku tersalah kek namun rasanya tak mengecewakan langsung! Kepadatannya, rasa berlemaknya, manisnya, Tobleronenya sungguh! Sungguh seksi. Dan aku sukakan dekonya, ruang makan di luar kedai dengan kerusi meja terbuat dari kotak kayu.

Pulang ke rumah, baru aku nampak empat si kecil ini. Aku mula berkira-kira, mungkin tak apa jadi "old cat lady", tapi aku tak mahu. Tak mahu tak mahu! Penat sungguh aku malam itu hingga tak terjamah makan malam yang dah disediakan si ibu. Niat berbaring sebentar langsung jadi ketiduran hingga pagi. Ah, sudah lama aku tak merasa tidur senyenyak itu meski badan berpeluh-peluh tak bermandi. 

Dan tibalah masanya untuk pulang. Walaupun sangat sekejap aku jejak kaki meneroka daerah Kuantan ini, tapi aku gembira. Gembira yang amat, lari sebentar dari wajah biasa negeri kelahiran aku. 

Tapi, sebelum pulang, sempat aku menunaikan hajat. Dark Chocolate Toblerone Cheesecake. Jujurnya, aku rasa Toblerone Cheesecake lebih memuaskan. Tak tahulah, kerana aku makan ketika ia hampir mencair. Panas sungguh Kuantan di siang hari! Itu, wajah gembira aku dan betapa gemuknya aku semalaman di Kuantan. Cukup rehat, senang hati barangkali. Dan si Deris bikin aku menyesal kerana tak mencuba Mango Cheesecake. Baik, aku akan kembali.

Di tepi sungai Pahang. Airnya yang bersih buat aku kepingin mahu berendam di dalamnya. Heh, gila barangkali. Panas amat, mungkin juga. Kerana lihat sajalah betapa menyegarkan ia kelihatan. Aku tersenyum puas, kerana banyak juga aku alami dalam lawatan teramat singkat ini.

Ha, inilah dia, aisi dia, bukan aisi koi. Tapi, kembali itu pasti. 

mentari

Berdikari

Mungkin aku terlalu berdikari,
Meski tak bisa bikin anak sendiri-sendiri.
Jadi itu, aku bisa bersendiri,
Tanpa takut, tanpa gusar.
Meski lelaki ku puja bergilir ganti
menyinggah di sukma, berangan mencinta.
Mungkin kerana aku terlalu berdikari,
Kerana itu, aku masih bersendiri.